One Eye Blind

There are days,
my life feels like a suicide in slowmotion.
pointless, heading nowhere but to the certain end
the action inbetween - inconsequential actually.
Its really downhill all the way. Then i know its one of the days.
My left eye is open.

Otherdays inbetween,a spring in my step, a sense of humor,
a purpose to the day, if not life, where my existance matters.
a reson to exist, maybe conjecture, is born in my mind
my world goes around that day, for then i know.
My right eye is open.

The difference between the days,
between my left and right eye - is this.

When my right eye is open - i see all thats right with my world,
and all thats good to notice about this life and the day goes
on with positive energy.

When i have my left eye open - i see the brutal reality.
which is miserable, where i am just figuring out whats left
in this world. How much more of life is left.

my life is like always having one eye blind.
either the left or the right. either black or white.
full gloom or full bright. nothing inbetween.
never a balance between the two. perception of surreality.

sleep is bliss. both my eyes shut - a natural balance.
dreams dont have much of a bearing from what i remember,
but actually feel more interesting than my life is.

maybe a day will arrive where balance prevails with
my eyes open. a distant dream... from where i stand.

Nov '08

Born-Again Loser.

I was a devout loser in the formative years of my life.
Whatever i touched turned to dust.
Nothing went my way and i was immensely faithful
to my loser status. I got used to being one.
Then sometime later during my mid-twenties
i lost my faith in being a loser and started becoming
better at things, started enjoying life even.

I started having fun and life showed a lot of
potential and promise. Now in my thrities I am back,.
To being a loser. I have recovered my lost faith.
The old ways are back. I am back to my miserable self.

The good life was just a passing, delusional phase.
Here I am, The Born-Again Loser.

Nov 08

Napkin...trails

I discovered a lost part of my life
on a paper napkin from the past
a day that now i cannot recollect
but am able to relate with nonetheless

it was during the sunny days of my yonder
that now seem like a frozen dream
will the sun shine again in my life
i wonder and search for a napkin again

Somwhere in my future
this napkin could be the clue
to discover today again
and relive my ...... doubts

Oct '08

As i sit alone on top of a deadwood tree
overlooking the desert horizon
a voice asked me, "what are you doing"

Morisson was singin "youre lost lil girl"
and i just kept my sights on the precipice.
the figure in blue was walking towards the egde

A everytime, just in time, i jus kept shouting
some sort of nonsense and gibberish
she looked back and took a step back
and moved on along the edge

"why arent you running over and helping her
cannot you go and jus catch her and pull her aside
why do you keep shouting nonsense all the time
sitting here on this deadwood tree"

'i am cursed with a twisted tongue u see
its better to act dumb most of the times
only when she is to the edge do i say anything at all,
and even that is to just let her know am around
i will lose sight if i get down on the ground'

'it doesnt help her, cos she is seeking what i cannot see
nor can she, but we agree to disgaree
i wear dark glasses so my view is always gloomy
but if i try n take em of the harsh lights too much to see
it doesnt make it any easy'

"what are you waiting for?"
am waiting for the time when my reach is fine,
so i can pull her to a safe place, all i can do now
is wait n watch and shout out once a while

Oct '08

Its hard to remember forever all the momentous occasions in our lives...
What seems now as the most descriptive, emphatic, the most poignant
Is but a lapse on our thoughts at points in time... a glimpse into reality

Its so unsuspecting now... but in the passage of time... will it hold
I remember today as it is live... immense in its capacity to launch me into
A world of such sudden and surprising immediacy, my reactions so real

Not a calculated decision in making, or pretense of belief, or even thoughtful
Its just reactions, a series of actions based on pure instinct, animal in a way
Which enriches, hurts, humors, makes the pulse beat... moves the soul

I don't remember the most basic of things that i have gone through.
Early days when i lost my teeth, feel the pain now of my growing years
The taunts of my misplaced youth, the first time I glowed in the morning sun

As the waves swept into shore. and the wind braced my chin, what day was it
The first smoke of jealousy, the first dip into the money bowl, when was that
The first disenchantment with life, a giving up of the will, how was that

As the unfettered soul voyages on into the future, with hopes that's unending
And the reality keeps reminding us of our living mass that needs tending
As the mirages and realities keep merging within the twilight of our minds

Comes a tomorrow that makes it easy to check our course, if we are on track
Of what we conceived, and constructed in our minds, as real as it is unreal
Imagination and illusion collide in unison... and if this is not enough to laugh

...What is? ...What will be?

Tinglish - A Series in English with a phonetic Tamil Twist

1. Avarice - Denotes Greed - Specifically greed for the rice belonging to others (Ava' - Rice)

2. Very nice - raging rabid dogs (veri-nais)

3. Photocopy - freshly brewed replica of south indian filter caapi (photo - caapi')

4. Visionary - a deceitful and untrsutworthy person, a poisonous fox (visha-nari)

5. Audrey - the command for a dancing girl (aadri)

6. Murder - a man from madurai (maru-dar)

.... cud b contd

In suspended animation

what world do i live in
what dreams i see
what life i witness
and how is it such a mess

does it make a difference
if i am around or not?
but then how do i get the will
to go thru it and be still

why do i need to have
the feeling that i will miss
all the stuff that goes on
if i do take leave?

what is it that holds me back
to exist in my current mess
what is it that helps me pass
the days filled with emptiness

why do i hope for a better day?
why do i crave for a better way?
why do i live thru another day?
when in this instant i want to go away

what do i look forward to
when i just cant see
any damn thing positve
for the life of me

if this is not explicable
what is and what will be
is this hope or just misery?
the answer just beats me...

Exile in the Kingdom...

Life and its ironies. One cannot begin to fathom the cruelty with which life will handle you with its deals. We make plans for our lives and then life goes on to make other arrangements for us instead. Its twisted. An Exile is normally when one away from the kingdom, but then as my life would have it, mine was set within the kingdom... the Kingdom of Bahrain. My plan started as harmlessly and simple as possible. I wanted to make a fresh start, a new challenge, also with a few personal goals in mind. That was about 6 months ago. Now it looks like I am worse off, and being back at square one. In fact feels like I have been moved of the board game altogether...ejected.

I still remember when in early Feb I landed in Bahrain... Everything was different from back home and i was hungry to gorge all that i could see, to feel and adapt to the surroundings. Starting a new job and being in charge. Thrills down my spine every day. I was caught in a sense of euphoria in a way, looking at all things as cheerful and bright. A new office, and a new outlook, meeting new people on a daily basis, all polite and comforting and I was busy figuring out the way things could start working in my favor. Being a small city it was easy to get around, sitting in the backseat of a car with a driver at my beck and call. I was drowning in the new found pleasure of walking around in the evenings, long walks with an eye out for the unusual to stick out. The place was filled with fast and exotic cars, crowded and bustling streets, always with a sense of something happening. It was going to be glorious summer... I could feel it. The days were filled with active pursuits, in the malls, driving around getting a feel of the place, meeting people and trying to pitch in for business.

We are not always aware of when seasons change, when the pleasant chill becomes a spine chilling cold even before you realize it. It did, the atmosphere changed and so did my view of the place and everything else eventually. I guess we also start looking at things differently when it doesn't work out the way we expect it to. A couple of months down the rabbit hole and i realized that nothing had changed, at least for good. I was still doing the same rounds, trying to recruit people, trying to get business, trying to enjoy a static life that was not moving anywhere. My delusions of grandeur were getting to be weary. Even the politeness of the people was getting to me. Distant calls for help to people back home to get talent was going on unheard. I realized its futile in a way for help to come in from across the seas when from within the city people had given up. I was marching on alone without even knowing it. And things started turning sour to a point of ridicule.

The one luxury that kept it going was the availability of a vehicle and a driver. That rug got pulled from under my feet first. Driver left and so did the vehicle eventually. The one other soul in the office, the only assistance in person was the next to go. Soon I was staring at the four walls in the office, being immobile and the daily task was simply to get to office and back home everyday. It was solitary confinement in motion. I was free to do absolutely nothing in fact. Like a regimented fool i would walk about in the evenings, the same old dreary route day after day without a clue to what it was, that i was to achieve. The pleasant sounds soon turned to cacophony and all the things that used to look bright and cheerful just became an eyesore. Nothing had changed, at least from the outside, from within everything had changed in fact. I just kept the clock ticking, barely.

The dust storms in the city was a reflection of how clouded my mind was getting day after day. The city was empathizing with me in fact. Staring into the streets late in the night, I could see the cars and other vehicles busy on the roads. I was watching as if it was a parade on my behalf every night, showing off how active the city could get, leaving me far far behind, alone on a roof top. My resolve to go on had simply run out. I had run out of any ideas of survival... simply given up. It was almost as if i was banned to the heights of my abode and just allowed to watch the activities in which people engaged in, without having the chance to get involved, not to be included in the games that kids from the block played in. I remembered how helpless i could be, just like the kid from long ago. Life had come full circle again.

So, it is now, just one decision that I can make. Thats the only one in my hands to make even. To quit. And thats what it has come down to after six months of being in suspended animation. I quit. The exile in the Kingdom is over. Is the emirate jaunt to be of any difference? Will the sun shine there? I live in the hope that someday the meaning of my existence might start making sense, to me at least. And far removed from now, I might look back and see some sense in this Exile in the Kingdom even...

Fool...

One can fool all the people some of the time
And one can fool some of the people most of the time
But the one person you can fool without fail, all of the time, is your own self.

Remembrance of things past...

Recently I discovered a lost part of my life on a paper napkin from the past. A day that brings me back memories of eventful days... a thing of the past. When my head was buzzing with ideas and hectic was how life could be best described. Now i cannot recollect but am unable to relate with... such are the times. It was the napkin scribbled on during a pursuit of an idyllic afternoon amidst all the rush at a coffee shop near my workplace. A place where peace could be purchased for a while. Under the shade in the summer months with a cup of cold coffee or a smoothie, i could for a while hang back with friends or at least friendly acquaintances to spend the afternoon. A well deserved break for the hectic life that used to be at work. It was a rush - to take a break amidst the chaos, to find some solace in the quiet surroundings away from the maddening rush. The escapism was justified.

Today, as I read this half way around the world after 5 years - its a different story altogether. Its as if I am existing past my sell by date. Weary and fatigued, all the time. Solitude for which i would clamor, is now available in plenty. What once used to connote freedom is now just a feeling of being alone. I remember when the task would be avoid the crowd trying to bug my life out. Today, there is no one bugging and though it seems a relief it is not so. A mind deserves a break when it tends to get overworked.. there it is deserving and there is a need for a break. But what, when there is no work and the mind is inching towards atrophy in fact. The mind is numb, its idle. And its no place for a devils workshop. Whoever coined that phrase did not know what he was talking about. The prince of darkness could not survive in a idle mind. He wants something thats pulsating and throbbing with ideas, an active neuron network.

I look at the napkin with the doodles from the past, reflecting in the moments that are now frozen in my memory. It was a time filled with laughter, people in front of me laughing for some joke that was cracked or some quip or wordplay that I pronounced. Or friends who by my side would be joining me in laughter as we all watched a funny flick. Now though, the laughter is behind me, as though people are laughing at my back. Times have changed indeed... I am not able to join them in their laughter... in fact, I am not able to even see their humour.

Psycho TheRapist

- A Person who is supposed to listen to you to and help you figure things out, but instead ends up fucking your confidence.

Vanilla Sky

No sunshine in my life
No rains on my parade
No rainbows on yonder
No clouds of doubt even
No winds of change
No storm in the weather

Its all plain pale white
spread across my vanilla sky

TurnAround

We are extraordinary machines
capable of the impossible, it seems
but, a slightest wound to an imaginary spot
is all it takes to bleed from the heart.

Paralyzed, immobilized, disfranchised
cut away from the rest, for eternity
the rest is a journey to with no end in sight
for it doesn't matter wither goes thou

Aimless, soulless, pointless, homeless
castaway, we float, lost at sea
seeking, searching, from around us
when all we need lies within

we forget to live cos we had a fall
when we give in and give up
nether do we climb the wall
or move forward, we just crawl

if only we could see the reality
that nothing we do matters
in the time or face of eternity
we just might laugh a little

a lot much more than we do
in the course of the normal day
at life, about life, in life. Alive.
every step of our own way.

We live as OmniWhores...
taking anything and everything
theres nothing wrong and nothing ever right
as long as it makes us feel alive.

Doesn't matter if its life or death
Black or white or shades of grey
From dawn to twilight, we keep leeching
So we retain the sense of the times.

Plain speak is dead, the mask is always on
riled up in our emotions, we forget who we are,
mere existence is mistaken for living
portraying to the world, pretending and lying

Betraying the self, without realizing
our soulless laughter fills the stage
and as empty shells we play our parts
without a clue as to how long it will last.

Till the curtain calls come
well before we are done
and all is put to rest underground
as OmniWhores we shall move around.

They say every minute counts
months on months go by with nothing
and yet in an instant, everything changes
precipitious in nature, life is...

If every minute was eventful
would be less regrets and more to live for
skipping the days of nothing
salvaging the moments of truth

All the “nothing” is more than i can handle
and every second will count
in the crepuscular time of my life

From the pits of nothing
is born a wish, an attachment
just to belong into this world
of being a real self

Wanting it all to wanting nothing at all
is but just a step away
when every moment counts
in this vaccillation of my life...

White lies and convenient truths
spoken lines and forgotten times
the stage is cleared and our parts are played
with moving scenes in the backyard game

epiphanies abound...

The Solution

On the other side lies the answer
the final solution to the dementia called life
so far, yet a step away

a slit, a slash or a mere snuff
a step, or jump, whatever it is,
but a gumption from within
is missing in the piece

for the final solution.

All thats not possible
is waylaid because of hope
for a better day, a better way

maybe in all this
there is something to gain
I am missing the picture
all i can seek is the end
if i could just push myself
fast forward to the demise
and dampen out the surprise

The longer I wallow in this sty
of pity and emotional scum
easier it would be to float
than sink without a trace...

into the final solution

should i survive another day
look back and make sense
of all thats gone away
but not today, no, not today

the final solution is but a step away
so far, yet a step away